They say i'm a big girl. Am I?

This feeling is terrible and horrible. If i can invent something, i wish that i can in*vent a stop and erase button for relationships. I wish that when i press the stop button, all quarrels and arugement can stop and being programmed back to normal. Then erase all the unhappiness moment which i will recall and cried about it over and over again. I hate quarreling with him. I hate getting scolding. Why is there a different treatment when two parties had done the same wrong things? I really don't get. Why must i be the one who always get the most scolding?

I cannot do this and cannot do that thing, all must listen to you. Listen to you then being insult that i'm like a robot or a puppet. I don't like it. I really wanna to put a stop at this moment but my heart told me not to because he is going for overseas training soon. The time left spending with him is getting lesser and lesser, why can't he understand that the time is so precious? When didn't i give him freedom to meet up with his friends? I didn't stop him, i even don't mind waiting for him until late night then meet him, is tt wrong? I never disturb never disturb never disturb!!!!

Why must i give you a explanation? It's not all my fault. You didn't reply my msg, never confirm with me, never pick up my call no matter how many times i call you, obviously i will go and find you first. Ok, let's put it in a way that it's my fault for no waiting for you to call me to confirm that you have plans with your friends. I took the wrong initiative! I'm stupid! I'm having mood swing and i'm greedy! Can! It's all my wishful thoughts that had driven me to do all these stupid things. Is this explanation good enough?!

Always saying that do i know what he is thinking? How about have you ever ask me and understand my true feelings? I'm feel like i'm getting more and more fake in front of you. I had to act the way you wanna me to be. I'm really very tired. I don't wish to have split personality. I'm really very scare, i don't know how long this can last. It's like a balloon, now it's getting bigger and bigger, one day it will eventually burst.



Today, in my whole 21 years, i went to watch movie alone. Yes, alone. Not because he didn't accompany me, it's just that after the quarreling, i feel like hiding myself somewhere where i can forget what had taken place just now, throw away my sadness for awhile. True enough, i had forgotten my sorrows, i thought that you are beside me almost wanted to hold you hands, i almost forgotten that i'm actually alone, all by myself. After show, i went to bought jim beam cola, wanna to have a drink at marina. Who knows that he called me and scolded me again, asking me to go home. It's quite weird, i'm not sure if he actually knows what i'm thinking. But at that point of time, i really don't feel like going home.

All i'm asking for is to spend a night with you because i really wanna to meet you. Tt's why i keep humping on this point. But man as man, he still don't understand. Then it keeps me thinking, why i'm i always so 'on' whenever he mention something or wanna to meet me? Why am i so easily being manipulate by guys? Previous one is like that, current one also the same. Am i far too stupid? Or i owe guys in my whole life time, tt's why they have to manipulate me in my relationship? I just hope that the jim beam that i'm drinking now can make me drank and don't think of so much things.

Godpa say i'm a big girl but i feel that i'm still like a small girl. i'm really very guilty. He imposed hope into me, if he knows what i had been going through he will be very sad and disappointed. I really don't wish to let him down because i don't bear to. I'm sorry, Godpa.

What's the problem!

I really don't understand! I only asked to call you to talk and i get scolded in the end. What is the problem? How do i know you are trouble and disturbed by the stupid matter. If you were to mention to me, i will not even bother to call you and get scolding. I hate scolding from you, i really hate it! Asking if you are going to play soccer tml, your tone bu shuang, you said you need to collect smth tml and you are touble. How would i know what thing you collect and what trouble you facing. You don't say how i know? I am not god, i can't predict. Concerning you become asking stupid questions. Fine, i don't and won't ask anymore! Ya, you said right, blame it on me! I'm unlucky today, i sould not even call you! Why must you make me hate you again?! Why must you make me loss turst in you once again?! I don't like it! I hate it!

Deceiving myself

Paying double attention in class, being double focus in teaching, keeping my feelings aside and being as normal as i can...
All these are the things that i can do to hide away my sadness and feelings.
Please forgive me for not telling anything because i want to overcome it all by myself.
I told myself, 'I can do it!'
But when comes to night, i'm totally a loser, a big loser.

I asked myself, do i want to continue? Can i still continue? Will i have the courage to continue?
I can't answer all these questions.
The only thing i know is that without him, i feel very lonely but also i'm not stressful with every word i say, i am able to express freely whatever thoughts that come into my mind, i don't feel i'm pressing for time to do anything.
Maybe i am really waiting for things to happened like he said.
What do you think?
I don't think i have the courage to face him anymore.
This is because standing in front of him, i feel very useless, small and i had lose self-confidence.
Our love, where?
I can't find it anymore.

Slowing down

When you actually slow down the pace of your life, you tend to pay a closer look at the things and people around you.
You will realize that actually there are many and plenty of things which you had missed out.
It's really a pity.
I was very amazed by what i heard from my mother when i reached home.
I know she is hinting something, but being an adult, a person who had turned 21 years old already, i must learn how to cope with my emotions, behaviour and problems by myself.
I wanna to lessen my mother's burden so that i can make her feel proud of me and not to let her down for all these years of teaching and upbringing.
No matter how the past few years i had been naive, reckless and insensible, i could not trace back the time anymore.
The only thing i can do now is to learn to be mature, sensible and being more independent than in the past.
Don worry and no worries for me friends! =)

Very good! Well done! Excellent!

All thanks to you for giving me a unforgetable night.
Now that i know sometimes i get scolded from you is actually i'm having a bad luck and blame it on my luck!
Now i understand.
Thanks for treating me like human but i dont feel like one.
Thanks for putting all the faults on me when it is purely unfair to me.
I really can't bottle it up anymore.
I can't control and i had to tell another friend about this.
I told my friend ' do you know that i had been verbally abuse?'
Do you respect me for who i am?
Do you threaten someone who you love alot?
The only word that appeared in my mind now is unfair.
I had not been treated fairly in times of arugement.
I really hate him!
This feelings started to arouse again, seriously from my bottom of my heart i hate him!
ccb knn f***

Don't feel like knowing anything anymore

Sometimes i wonder if we people tend to not know or notice something will it be good for us?
Is that really the best way to avoid hurts and sadness after know it?
It set me thinking.
Am i too observant or asking too much?
I do agree and not deny that i don't wanna you to go to your friend's house just now.
I know i am a poor pretender in front of you, i'm sorry but i just can hide my feelings.
Do you know that it will set me thinking you will be home late, you will rest very late and if you did not have a good rest you will have a bad day the next day.
All these things are in my mind.
I think those who are reading this will say that i think too much.
But all these are the truth.
Maybe i really done wrong thinking too much of this problems thus leading me to show you the face of 'i don't wanna you to go out with your friends.'
Maybe i am asking and wanting to know too much of your plans.
Just now when we were watching movie, you are not concentrating, you kept peeping your phone until i took it away from you. When i return it to you and knowing that there's a miss call from your friend you are like so angry.

I felt sad because you don't understand that i do concern and worry about you while you feel that it is nothing.
You even told me not to stick with you too much and go out with my friends often.
How to go out with friends often when you might wanna to meet me unpredictably.
How to go out with my friends when i know that i can't stay out late.
You wanna freedom with your friends so do i, but can i?
It was really heart breaking when i heard this.
It's not i don't allow you to play soccer with your friends, meet up with your friends.
Today you did meet up with your friends for soccer for half a day.
I'm only asking for the other half of the day to allow us have our private time spent together.
We don't get to meet on weekday, i'm only asking for half a day on weekend, is that too much?
I tried to endure my tears from forming in front of you.
I cried while i was walking home just now as i don't like to let people see me crying.
I really don't like this kind of feeling.

Saturday night

Today actually planned not meeting dear because he will be helping his friend to shift house but last minute we met up to have dinner. That was a surprise!

Reached home quite early around 8 plus. Decided to work on our 'business' online. It's not easy but hopefully we can achieve some results as soon as possible.

Finally finish watching 'Gong Xin Ji'. I think i will stop for awhile before watching the next one. It's a great show indeed!

The past one week is the beginning of the new semester. Back to late nights, reaching home after 8pm, dragging the whole body to work the next day, assignments, etc. Currently, there's already an assignment but there's no progress. All i can say is endure for another 3 more months and it will be ok. I'm waiting for that day! Loves!