They say i'm a big girl. Am I?

This feeling is terrible and horrible. If i can invent something, i wish that i can in*vent a stop and erase button for relationships. I wish that when i press the stop button, all quarrels and arugement can stop and being programmed back to normal. Then erase all the unhappiness moment which i will recall and cried about it over and over again. I hate quarreling with him. I hate getting scolding. Why is there a different treatment when two parties had done the same wrong things? I really don't get. Why must i be the one who always get the most scolding?

I cannot do this and cannot do that thing, all must listen to you. Listen to you then being insult that i'm like a robot or a puppet. I don't like it. I really wanna to put a stop at this moment but my heart told me not to because he is going for overseas training soon. The time left spending with him is getting lesser and lesser, why can't he understand that the time is so precious? When didn't i give him freedom to meet up with his friends? I didn't stop him, i even don't mind waiting for him until late night then meet him, is tt wrong? I never disturb never disturb never disturb!!!!

Why must i give you a explanation? It's not all my fault. You didn't reply my msg, never confirm with me, never pick up my call no matter how many times i call you, obviously i will go and find you first. Ok, let's put it in a way that it's my fault for no waiting for you to call me to confirm that you have plans with your friends. I took the wrong initiative! I'm stupid! I'm having mood swing and i'm greedy! Can! It's all my wishful thoughts that had driven me to do all these stupid things. Is this explanation good enough?!

Always saying that do i know what he is thinking? How about have you ever ask me and understand my true feelings? I'm feel like i'm getting more and more fake in front of you. I had to act the way you wanna me to be. I'm really very tired. I don't wish to have split personality. I'm really very scare, i don't know how long this can last. It's like a balloon, now it's getting bigger and bigger, one day it will eventually burst.



Today, in my whole 21 years, i went to watch movie alone. Yes, alone. Not because he didn't accompany me, it's just that after the quarreling, i feel like hiding myself somewhere where i can forget what had taken place just now, throw away my sadness for awhile. True enough, i had forgotten my sorrows, i thought that you are beside me almost wanted to hold you hands, i almost forgotten that i'm actually alone, all by myself. After show, i went to bought jim beam cola, wanna to have a drink at marina. Who knows that he called me and scolded me again, asking me to go home. It's quite weird, i'm not sure if he actually knows what i'm thinking. But at that point of time, i really don't feel like going home.

All i'm asking for is to spend a night with you because i really wanna to meet you. Tt's why i keep humping on this point. But man as man, he still don't understand. Then it keeps me thinking, why i'm i always so 'on' whenever he mention something or wanna to meet me? Why am i so easily being manipulate by guys? Previous one is like that, current one also the same. Am i far too stupid? Or i owe guys in my whole life time, tt's why they have to manipulate me in my relationship? I just hope that the jim beam that i'm drinking now can make me drank and don't think of so much things.

Godpa say i'm a big girl but i feel that i'm still like a small girl. i'm really very guilty. He imposed hope into me, if he knows what i had been going through he will be very sad and disappointed. I really don't wish to let him down because i don't bear to. I'm sorry, Godpa.