Deceiving myself

Paying double attention in class, being double focus in teaching, keeping my feelings aside and being as normal as i can...
All these are the things that i can do to hide away my sadness and feelings.
Please forgive me for not telling anything because i want to overcome it all by myself.
I told myself, 'I can do it!'
But when comes to night, i'm totally a loser, a big loser.

I asked myself, do i want to continue? Can i still continue? Will i have the courage to continue?
I can't answer all these questions.
The only thing i know is that without him, i feel very lonely but also i'm not stressful with every word i say, i am able to express freely whatever thoughts that come into my mind, i don't feel i'm pressing for time to do anything.
Maybe i am really waiting for things to happened like he said.
What do you think?
I don't think i have the courage to face him anymore.
This is because standing in front of him, i feel very useless, small and i had lose self-confidence.
Our love, where?
I can't find it anymore.

Slowing down

When you actually slow down the pace of your life, you tend to pay a closer look at the things and people around you.
You will realize that actually there are many and plenty of things which you had missed out.
It's really a pity.
I was very amazed by what i heard from my mother when i reached home.
I know she is hinting something, but being an adult, a person who had turned 21 years old already, i must learn how to cope with my emotions, behaviour and problems by myself.
I wanna to lessen my mother's burden so that i can make her feel proud of me and not to let her down for all these years of teaching and upbringing.
No matter how the past few years i had been naive, reckless and insensible, i could not trace back the time anymore.
The only thing i can do now is to learn to be mature, sensible and being more independent than in the past.
Don worry and no worries for me friends! =)

Very good! Well done! Excellent!

All thanks to you for giving me a unforgetable night.
Now that i know sometimes i get scolded from you is actually i'm having a bad luck and blame it on my luck!
Now i understand.
Thanks for treating me like human but i dont feel like one.
Thanks for putting all the faults on me when it is purely unfair to me.
I really can't bottle it up anymore.
I can't control and i had to tell another friend about this.
I told my friend ' do you know that i had been verbally abuse?'
Do you respect me for who i am?
Do you threaten someone who you love alot?
The only word that appeared in my mind now is unfair.
I had not been treated fairly in times of arugement.
I really hate him!
This feelings started to arouse again, seriously from my bottom of my heart i hate him!
ccb knn f***

Don't feel like knowing anything anymore

Sometimes i wonder if we people tend to not know or notice something will it be good for us?
Is that really the best way to avoid hurts and sadness after know it?
It set me thinking.
Am i too observant or asking too much?
I do agree and not deny that i don't wanna you to go to your friend's house just now.
I know i am a poor pretender in front of you, i'm sorry but i just can hide my feelings.
Do you know that it will set me thinking you will be home late, you will rest very late and if you did not have a good rest you will have a bad day the next day.
All these things are in my mind.
I think those who are reading this will say that i think too much.
But all these are the truth.
Maybe i really done wrong thinking too much of this problems thus leading me to show you the face of 'i don't wanna you to go out with your friends.'
Maybe i am asking and wanting to know too much of your plans.
Just now when we were watching movie, you are not concentrating, you kept peeping your phone until i took it away from you. When i return it to you and knowing that there's a miss call from your friend you are like so angry.

I felt sad because you don't understand that i do concern and worry about you while you feel that it is nothing.
You even told me not to stick with you too much and go out with my friends often.
How to go out with friends often when you might wanna to meet me unpredictably.
How to go out with my friends when i know that i can't stay out late.
You wanna freedom with your friends so do i, but can i?
It was really heart breaking when i heard this.
It's not i don't allow you to play soccer with your friends, meet up with your friends.
Today you did meet up with your friends for soccer for half a day.
I'm only asking for the other half of the day to allow us have our private time spent together.
We don't get to meet on weekday, i'm only asking for half a day on weekend, is that too much?
I tried to endure my tears from forming in front of you.
I cried while i was walking home just now as i don't like to let people see me crying.
I really don't like this kind of feeling.

Saturday night

Today actually planned not meeting dear because he will be helping his friend to shift house but last minute we met up to have dinner. That was a surprise!

Reached home quite early around 8 plus. Decided to work on our 'business' online. It's not easy but hopefully we can achieve some results as soon as possible.

Finally finish watching 'Gong Xin Ji'. I think i will stop for awhile before watching the next one. It's a great show indeed!

The past one week is the beginning of the new semester. Back to late nights, reaching home after 8pm, dragging the whole body to work the next day, assignments, etc. Currently, there's already an assignment but there's no progress. All i can say is endure for another 3 more months and it will be ok. I'm waiting for that day! Loves!

4 more days

Today went to SGH to visit one of our relative, he is going to have a heart by-pass operation. This relative of mine always being very fit and healthy, we had never heard him mentioning he had any sickness. This is really a shocking news to us. He is having the operation next week. Hope everything will be safe and fine.
Went shopping after visiting my relative. Don't know is because i'm getting older or my mentality of dressing up had changed, i'm starting to get clothes which i can wear more often. I had bought two dresses and a polo tee. These are the clothes which i can wear to work.

4 more days to dear going to Brunei.
How do i live without you?

5 more days

My dearest bf is still in camp, tomorrow he is going for live shooting.
5 more days to Brunei.